By Patsy Kelly
You open the door and Grief is standing there. You hadn’t planned the visit; you made no invitation. There were no arrangements in advance. All of a sudden, without notice, there stands Grief at your door, already stepping over the threshold.
Grief is a new member of your household, insisting on being recognized. After the shock wears off, and you realize Grief isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, there’s nothing to be done but to begin making yourselves – well, what? Acquaintances, associates? You certainly have no intention of being friends. You settle on acquaintances.
Grief sits down, as if the chair is designated. You just sit there. You’re certainly not going to make this any easier. It wasn’t your idea in the first place.
Before you can gather your thoughts, Grief is in your face, “We are now going to get started. I set the rules. I bring the feelings. You listen to ME.” Just like that. No introduction, no easing into the subject, no apologies for the intrusion, nothing.
“You want me to talk to you? Fine. I’ll talk to you. Get out!! Get out of my life. Go away. I don’t want anything to do with you. You’ve ruined my life!”
And there it begins – your relationship with Grief. It’s a rocky start. Everyone’s first meeting with Grief is a bruiser. Grief comes along with the death of a loved one; and it stays for an interminable length of time, sometimes a lifetime. Nothing about the relationship is polite or mutual. Grief makes it clear who is in charge from the beginning. It helps to know a few things about Grief.
First, grief is best acknowledged. This isn’t anyone else’s; it’s your personal grief. You may not be able to welcome grief, but being open to the pain of it is a beginning. It will lead you and after a few rough goes, you might just find it helps.
Second, grief offers reconciliation; there is no “getting over.” No one truly gets over their loss of a loved one. We carry them in our hearts forever. The love you shared is a measure of the pain you feel now. There’s no getting over that. However, there is a reconciling over time, a coming to terms with the loss.
Third, grief offers no cure. If there were a cure, we would find the whole process easy. But loving and losing is not easy. None of the important passages in life are easy. Nevertheless, there may be an easing, a peace or a truce we make with grief.
Finally, grief takes our full attention. It is a part of you now, and has something to show you, even teach you. Perhaps, yes, over time, it might even become a friend. Stranger things have happened. In this world, where things can go upside down and inside out, even the worst of experiences can show us beauty and peace. For more information about the Grief Group, send your email to griefgroupjax@gmail.com.
