By Patsy Kelly
Grief can be many things. For some it is an enemy, for many it is a constant companion. Billie Holiday sang “Good Morning Heartache” as her resignation to the pain. And grief can also be a teacher.
At some point, walking in the wilderness of grief, there can be a turning point. We begin to realize that we’re in this for the long haul. This is a pivotal juncture. A time can come when grief becomes less shrill — it begins to nudge and prod us. The message becomes clear — there is something to learn in this troublesome, painful place.
“Where do I turn?” With this question, we learn who we can trust. The close friends we thought would be there for us may not be so reliable in grief. We may need to look elsewhere — to someone who has also experienced grief, or a priest, a pastor, a therapist, perhaps a grief group. This is lesson number one: find support.
Next, we ask, “What do I do?” We may hide, pillow over our heads; we may rage; we may cry, long and often. Exhausted, we begin to jot down thoughts, we begin to talk about our grief with trusted others. We might find other means of expression, too. Hence, lesson number two: expression is the opposite of depression.
Further on, we explore, searching for answers. Finding none, or just bad counsel, we begin digging deeper, discovering podcasts, books, speakers or websites. Here is lesson number three: dig for understanding.
A time may come when we realize that we want to have more in life than only the grief. We plant flowers, try block therapy or yoga or water aerobics, join a coffee bunch, travel. This is lesson number four: re-enter the world, one step at a time.
For some, stepping back into the world and letting grief become softer can feel like moving away from our loved one. We fear we’ll forget them, or we are not honoring them properly. Do we retreat, or is there another way to preserve loving memory? Here comes lesson number five: establish a family ritual to remember and honor.
Anniversary dates can be hard. We dread these days and fear we’ll be swallowed by the pain of them. They can make us feel that we have lost the progress we’ve made, and we teeter on the brink of despair all over again. This is a crucial one. It’s lesson number six: prepare for the difficult days; make plans for how to live through them.
Having navigated this far and still aching, it can be dreadful to think we’ll always feel this awful pain. But pain can soften, and we can learn to carry it. Pain is a teacher, not always an easy or a friendly one, but a necessary one. This is the last lesson for now: let pain lead to the numinous. Pain honestly experienced can open us to something bigger than ourselves. For information on the Grief Group, send your email to griefgroupjax@gmail.com.
