I Question That

Some people make New Year’s resolutions, some make promises they’ll never keep, and some simply vow to change one habit or another. Me? I ask questions. I’ve lived in this town for over a year now and there are still some questions for which I’d like to have answers in 2018.

Questions like. . . What the heck do the blinking yellow arrows mean on Morton’s new stoplights? I thought I had this all figured out. Round green means go, round red means stop, round yellow means that the light is about to turn red. Okay, that’s easy. I learned that in the Perry High School drivers’ education program in 1965. But these new arrows. . . I’m confused. Green still means you can go and red means don’t go, but the yellow arrow hangs there blinking at me. Blinking yellow! Where in the heck did that come from? It’s not like the round yellow light because it’s not about to turn red. So what’s it going to do? It tells me, “Go with caution!” “No, wait! Don’t go!” “Okay, try it!” “No! Stop!” And believe me, there is no more convenient way to get rear-ended than to be sitting in the middle of the intersection of Morton and Lincoln wondering what the heck to do.

Questions like. . . When exactly is the trash collected in Jacksonville on weeks containing holidays? I’m not begrudging the Buster crew their days off. Heck, they do a great job. But I came from Arenzville and thus I’m easily confused. Is it collected a day late the week of, say, Christmas, or two days later as it has been on some holiday weeks or exactly on the day it’s always scheduled? So far I’ve seen all three of these options and the really embarrassing part of this is that I’m the only person on my block of Sandusky who is confused. Holiday after holiday my bag of trash will sit on my front lawn like a non-recyclable orphan. I find myself sneaking out after dark and looking up and down the street to try to find out what they know that I don’t. Some might say I’m dense, but I think it’s a conspiracy.

Some very nice people send bucks to Jacksonville to pay for downtown concerts. This is a good thing. We’ve had some mighty pleasant evenings up on the Jacksonville Square, socializing and listening to the music. The sponsoring group call themselves Levitt AMP. What/Who the heck is that?

Why doesn’t someone build a new restaurant in the Wal-Mart parking lot? I’ve heard of families who have been known to take their lunch since the walk from the first available parking space and the store may involve a half-day’s hike. As it is now they must stop halfway and open their lunch boxes and I think this could be dangerous.

I’d like to know the name of my alderman/woman/person. I’ve asked three neighbors. Two gave different answers and the third one said she didn’t know.

Who abducted all the Democrats from Jacksonville? I know there used to be a couple. Again, I suspect a conspiracy.

As the Boomer generation eases on down the road will senior retirement homes become as plentiful as convenience stores in Jacksonville? If you shop in some local stores you have to keep one eye out for those motorized scooters. Are we getting older or wider?

Why does that little lady from Knollwood complain to me whenever The Source is late arriving at County Market?

How come the city council seats are so high off the ground?

Why do they put the oysters in the dessert section at Best Buffet?

When you open a business do you suddenly lose your ability to use English grammar correctly? Just this summer in Jacksonville I’ve seen signs that say, “The best burger’s in town!” (Can a burger possess something?), “Lets go, Shamrocks!” (Something to do with the Our Savior’s Team renting rooms in London), and “Its Here!” (A person named Its has taken up residence in this restaurant.)

Why does Jacksonville taper off gently to the north, south and east, but gets sliced off cleanly on the west side?

In many homes in cities across the nation parents instruct their children to memorize their home address in case they get lost. They teach them how to write it out in case someone needs that information. Should we pity the poor kids who live on Mauvaisterre Street?

May your new year be sunny and bright and filled with the answers to all your questions and dreams. Me? I’ll still be stuck asking questions until I get this town figured out.

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About the author

Ken Bradbury is an adjunct instructor of theatre at LLLC after retiring from Triopia. He entertains on the Spirit of Peoria riverboat and is the author of over 300 published plays. Website: creativeideas.com

View all articles by Ken Bradbury