By Patsy Kelly
We don’t get to take a breath. Before the Halloween candy is on sale, it’s replaced by Christmas goodies! Who ever decided to put inflatable snowmen out before the Halloween costumes are stored away? It’s retail jet lag I’m experiencing. The worst of all these gladsome holiday reminders is the dull dread they herald for many of us.
The holidays are unavoidable reminders for those grieving that we no longer fit into the picture. Our loved one has left a huge gap — and we aren’t fully present without them. We can’t bypass the holidays and enter January. We can’t wither away from all the greetings on the sidewalks.
There are two primary difficulties with the holidays. And it isn’t just those who grieve who deal with these complications. All of us to some degree, are faced with them.
One: The holidays magnify everything. If you have just landed a new job, received a raise or become engaged to the most wonderful person on earth, congratulations. Your joy and excitement are magnified during the holidays. The infusion of music, lights, nostalgia and elevated emotions all contribute to the feelings of euphoria and goodwill.
The reverse is also true. If you have lost a loved one, a job, or experienced a divorce or breakup … “désolé,” as the French say. Your grief and sadness are magnified by the very fact that you cannot engage in the good tidings. With every carol, invitation and lit Christmas tree, your sense of being adrift from the rest of the world is dramatized.
Grieving the loss of someone, a relationship, a time that once was — but is no more does not come by choice. Show your understanding when the grieving member of your family has no decorations. Be generous with the grieving friend who declines your invitations to the annual party. Offer an alternative to the reliable member of your congregation who chooses not to show up for the carol-sing.
Two: It’s okay to do the holidays differently than in the past. Somewhere, someday, someone will stand on a hill, defending their ground with their last breath, “We’ve always celebrated this way!” It is the rallying cry behind many a family disagreement and the source of much stress. And it is altogether unnecessary. None of us want to give way to change; but when it means creating strife, stress and strained relationships, it’s not ground worth defending. Your children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews will not remember whether you celebrated on the right day, in the traditional fashion, with all the cherished elements.
They will remember your stress. They will remember how you weren’t present, because you were jumping up and down, tending to some crisis, burnt pan or missing chair. They will remember whether you embraced them with ease and warmth, or if you were too preoccupied to even notice when they arrived.
Holidays are time to celebrate, indeed. They also call for compassion, collaboration and calm. For information on the Jacksonville Grief Group, email griefgroup.jax@gmail.com.
