By Patsy Kelly and Trina Meek
“I want this pain to stop.”
“It doesn’t feel normal to sob every morning as much an entire year after my loved one has died.”
“I am stuck in my grief.”
These are common statements we survivors of grief say to ourselves. We even think, but rarely say out loud to anyone, “I must be going crazy.” Grief has the power to make us feel unhinged, apart from the rest of the world and even hopelessly hopeless. It is one of the most powerful human experiences. It is a mistake to take it lightly, or to imagine that we can control it somehow. Many try, but end up making it worse.
Some days, without warning, we hurt — physically, emotionally and mentally. And we hurt so badly we fail to find a remedy. We feel as though we can’t move, breathe or even think. The pain is relentless and so powerful as to make us imagine we cannot bear it another minute. Many grievers make do with this pain in painful ways — drinking, drugging or just returning to bed with the pillow over our heads — all the more painful because we add to the feeling of giving up.
There is another possibility. Instead of “giving up,” we might try “giving in.” This may sound like a foolish play on words, but with some thought, we can allow that it is a possible alternative. We might just relinquish ourselves to this pain of grief, allow it to teach us, show us what we don’t know about ourselves and what it means to lose a loved one. Giving in to the pain of grief is a temporary way of saying, “Hello there. Allow me to become acquainted with you.” It’s a way of accepting that grief is in the room, whether we have invited it or not, and it’s going to reside for a while (who knows how long); and we may as well get acquainted.
Being alone with grief is terrifying but can be expansive as well. We could say: “I feel you; and I’m afraid of how deep you have taken me. This is hard; and I want you to know that I’m doing the best I can. I place my hands on my heart and I repeat, I’m doing the very best I can.”
Saying this to ourselves and the silent companion in the room, grief, may feel even crazier than anything else we’ve done so far. And we already feel “crazy.” Yet, it may just possibly open us up. Because when we no longer close ourselves off to grief, and no longer deny its power, we free ourselves to go with it. We become a companion to it; we may even accept it.
We don’t have to like it, and we don’t have to sign a contract that we’ll always be together. We can, however, let it show us what we didn’t see before. To learn about the Grief Group, send your email to griefgroup.jax@gmail.com.
