By Patsy Kelly
The question is, “How do you remember your loved one?” It asks how we give attention to our past moments with the one who has died, the one who has left a gaping hole — no, chasm — in our life. There are ways of remembering that only bring bitterness, and ways that lead us forward on this wilderness path called grief.
Grieving persons may remember the exact moments when our loved one died. We may remember the time on the clock, the slant of the sunshine through the window, the smell of the room, the touch of the brow. There are the last words, and then, the last breath. The griever recites those moments over and over, as a liturgy of remembrance.
Later, we may begin to recall the episodes leading up to the death and the signs, the signals we missed. And some beat ourselves up for not acting sooner or not being there. We might recite over and over again these memories. We could add more pain, assigning blame to ourselves. It makes no sense, but then, nothing in grief makes sense.
What the question leads to, however, are the myriad of ways we remember, and what we do with a memory. When someone has been close to us, they reappear in memory. We find ourselves in situations, places, with people we used to share together. Now we are facing them alone. We are stabbed with the memory. That is what the question leads to: “How do you remember???”
What many find is the rest of the world has moved on. Our fleeting memory brings up the past and to mention it feels as though we want to take all the attention back to ourselves: “… meanwhile, back to me and my grief.” Or, it feels as if to speak about the memory would turn this pleasant experience into another round of sadness. So, we stuff the memory deep inside. It is can be like getting a personal letter in the mail. We enclose it deep inside a pocket to read later when we are alone.
What this wilderness of grief asks of us is to be present with ourselves, even though it may reverse the pleasant experience momentarily, or bring the attention back to me briefly. What we do when we hold back is deny the reality, the power of our grief; and we deny ourselves for feeling.
On the other hand, what we do when we speak up, is accept our feelings and ourselves. We are saying to those around us is, “Hear me! I have pain at this moment, and I trust you enough to share it with you. In fact, it is a joyful memory but it comes with pain now.”
We don’t turn the tide of happy events, and we don’t destroy new, positive memories. When we remember our loved ones in the moment of remembering, we give honor to them and to ourselves for loving them.
Grief Group meets for those suffering the loss of a loved one. E-mail: griefgroup.jax@gmail.com.
