By Patsy Kelly
Grief is exhausting work. We grievers are tired of feeling half of a person. We’re tired of accepting what grief shovels out. We’re weary of people telling us we look so much better, when we want to blurt out, “Better than what? Better than a corpse?” We’re tired of making plans, agreeing to outings when everything inside screams, “NO!”
Our society doesn’t help us much. We live in a dichotomous culture. Things are either good or bad. I’m either sad or glad. You’re feeling up or down. We’re either for – or against – whatever, or whomever, is stirring up the news. In fact, most often, we who grieve find we are neither up nor down, neither light-hearted nor in a dark place, neither happy nor sad. It’s like Doc Martin in the BBC series, who quips, “I think happiness is overrated.”
There’s something to be gained by accepting middle ground. Middle ground is not always easy to find. However, it is possible to find space where we don’t have to choose between happy or sad, between up or down.
Accepting things just as they are means we begin to put aside criticism. It means that we try catching ourselves being self-judgmental. Once we catch it, we can begin to release it. It’s an internal “catch and release” effort. Grievers may feel as though there is some progress in this wilderness called grief. At least we’re not sobbing every day. Maybe we can eat. We may even have heard laughter escape our lips so parched from wandering lost and alone. Still, we don’t feel good about it. Most often, we tell ourselves we should be further along in grief. We should “be over it by now.” Some even advise us it is so.
There is just the possibility that we can be kind to ourselves and find middle ground. Self-kindness is a brave act, one that few exhibit. We can kindly regard ourselves on this trail of grief and acknowledge that we’re neither doing it extremely well nor are we failing at it. We are doing it step by step. We are doing our grief work, our way, at our pace.
The cluster of mourners known as Grief Group Jax have taught me that no one’s grief is like another’s. No one “knows just how I feel.” Each individual is the single most authoritative person regarding his, her or their own grief. Individually, they are doing it. Together, they are doing it. And it is enough. For more information, email griefgroup.jax@gmail.com.
