By Patsy Kelly
Death is not the end. We hold on to memories and the love. Some of us look to something beyond death. And we reserve the right to grieve. Sometimes, however, there is that haunting question, “Did I do it right?” The question seems to never go away. We remember every detail of those last months and then the final days. We have the dying moments memorized. And the question keeps popping up, “Did I do it right?”
No one has a script for the process of death. There is no such thing as a formula — and we know that. However, in hindsight, we see signs we probably missed at the time. We heard hints we overlooked. We felt forebodings we ignored because like our loved one, we were in denial. “This can’t be happening. It’s too early. We’ve always come back from the brink. God will bring us out of this.”
Meanwhile, some of us lived with our loved one who was in denial as much as we were. They wouldn’t admit their pain or fear or premonitions. They wanted to protect us from what was coming. Just so, we wanted to protect them. It’s hard to say, “I’m afraid,” or “I see you dying right in front of me and I can’t do a thing.”
No matter how well-balanced we are, sooner or later, there are doubts. It’s a normal part of the grieving process. We wish we could have had clarity. We wish we could have known the trajectory death was bringing into our lives. We wish we had been stronger, smarter, faster, surer, blah, blah. The sad thing is that we often make our grief worse by adding guilt or shame to our sadness. Many of us can’t give ourselves a break and express things like: “I should have known! I should have done more! I should have called in help sooner! I should have stood up to those who told me to wait! I should have resisted my loved one’s refusal to seek help! What was I thinking!?”
The reality hits us that we didn’t know, we couldn’t have guessed, we didn’t have a spread sheet with the dates and acceleration closely mapped. We were — and still are — imperfect human beings whose hurt causes us to question everything. And our love causes us to want to reverse or at least put some improvement on the picture of the death that shattered our confidence. t’s normal to doubt ourselves and even the medical community. It’s normal, but not a place where we want to remain. Grief moves us, never wanting us to stay stuck.
Staying stuck is likely to happen to anyone who stays isolated. The only other option is to connect with others, hopefully those who have had similar experiences. We find we’re not the only ones. We hear ourselves voice our guilt or shame, and somehow, it gets less painful. We get a bit of relief.
For more information on grief, send your email to griefgroupjax@gmail.com.
